Face the truth, even if it's just to yourself. It's undeniable that you indulge in sexual fantasies. Numerous studies reveal that the majority of sexually active individuals harbor these fantasies, even if they choose to keep them hidden from their partners or closest confidants.
How Common are Sexual Fantasies?
Sexual fantasies are incredibly common regardless of one's sexual orientation. There is no need to feel abnormal for having them, as you are far from alone in this experience.
Social psychologist and author Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., conducted an extensive study involving 4,175 Americans, specifically chosen from social media to capture a diverse range of individuals with different sexual orientations. The results were enlightening, with participants revealing a multitude of fantasies encompassing various topics and sexual acts – all of which are detailed in Lehmiller's book. Ultimately, Lehmiller concluded that sexual fantasies are a normal part of adult sexual behavior, widely shared among many individuals.
"Now that you know you're completely average, it's time to delve into the reasons behind your sexual fantasies, their potential significance, and the various types of fantasies that people commonly experience. By exploring this, you'll come to realize just how normal you are. Who knows? You might even discover some future daydreams that resonate with you. It's important to remember one crucial principle: there is no right or wrong when it comes to the content of your sexual fantasies. Additionally, you have the freedom to either retain these fantasies privately or discuss them with your partner as potential scenarios in real life."
Why Do You Have Sexual Fantasies?
It is human nature to have various thoughts and daydreams. Whether it's imagining seeking revenge on someone who has hurt you or envisioning your dream home or a delightful meal you once had, these thoughts are normal. Just like any other fantasies, sexual fantasies also fall into this category.
According to Laura Berman, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and author of Loving Sex: The Book of Joy and Passion, sexual fantasies can sometimes stem from conscious desires. For instance, you might crave a more adventurous and open-minded approach in your conservative sexual relationship. Alternatively, if you are tired of always taking the initiative, you may yearn for your partner to be dominant and assertive while you relinquish control. Berman suggests that being pursued in a sexual context can bring about a sense of excitement and boost one's ego.
Other forms of fantasies may be much edgier - rough sex or extreme bondage or sadomasochism, for example. These can be hugely erotic, and many report that they engage in such fantasies while masturbating, although they never intend to actually play them out. Some report fantasies of having sex in public, even with anonymous partners, while others watch - obviously, this will never happen without an arrest.
According to psychologists, engaging in sexual fantasies can stem from underlying needs such as releasing everyday stress or anxiety, or seeking an escape from the pressures of work, family, or financial concerns. This is sometimes referred to as "sexual medicine."
The essence of the matter is this: sexual research indicates that the majority of adults, regardless of age, participate in sexual fantasizing. And regardless of how unusual these fantasies may seem, they are completely normal. Various research findings suggest numerous reasons for such fantasies, some conscious and others unconscious. But in reality, does it really matter? Rather than worrying about why we have the specific fantasies we do, the important thing is to simply enjoy them, whether they are considered "normal" or unconventional.
Common Sexual Fantasies
"Sexual orientation and sex fantasies are unrelated. People of various sexual orientations—heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual—along with transgenders, asexual individuals, and those exploring gender identity, all have fantasies. However, the specific types of fantasies may be influenced by gender identity or gender-bending. Now, let's delve into the findings of researchers and explore some commonly reported fantasies."
Romantic Sexual Fantasies
These scenarios frequently occur when an individual yearns for a romantic connection that may not currently exist or is lacking in their current sexual relationship. While there may be a sexual aspect involved, the focus is usually on the romance rather than the physical act itself. Typically, these fantasies involve envisioning oneself in a romantic setting with either a current partner or various other potential partners. These could include a coworker whom one has a crush on or a beloved celebrity. Engaging in these types of fantasies can contribute to an augmented sense of self-worth as they involve feeling deeply desired by one's partner.
A Threesome
While this is a most common fantasy among men, no matter what their gender identities, women reported having these as well. These may involve three men, three women, or any combination of these genders. And there are many forms that this fantasy may take - oral or anal sex in combinations, or even voyeurism, where you simply observe two other individuals having all sorts of sex, perhaps while masturbating. The possibilities are endless, depending on individual differences.
Sex With Multiple People
This is the stuff of which orgies are made or at least swingers clubs. There are lots of variations on this theme, but all involve some type of group sex. You may fantasize about having sex with a bunch of same-sex partners or combinations. You may fantasize about you or your partner having sex with multiple partners while others watch on - a form of exhibitionism. It's all good and pretty normal. A multi-partner sexual encounter can be erotic and more pleasing than a fantasy involving only one partner. In fact, multi-partner sex is one of the most common fantasies.
Exhibitionism
This fantasy involves others watching while you have sex, no matter what type of sex that may be. It's the idea of having an audience that becomes erotic. You become a center of attention, which may be a psychological need you have, but who cares? You enjoy the notoriety, if only in your daydreams. The sex could occur in a public place or in the backseat of a car, but you just get off on others watching. Is this a common sexual desire? research says yes. Closely related to this is a fantasy in which your sex is filmed or videoed by others who are watching from afar. It's all about you being on display.
Sex With Former Partners
You may be in a long-term relationship with a partner you love, respect, and admire. But there is something about that former lover that keeps haunting you. Maybe they were just better in bed; maybe you never totally got over them. But you don't want to tell your current partner about this, so you just fantasize about that history you had. This can even happen when you are having sex with your current partner. You don't need to feel guilty about this. In this day of more freedom and fluidity, you have the right to your feelings and fantasies, and you have the right not to share them with a single soul.
The Domination/Submissive Fantasy
When you have sex, are you usually the aggressor or are you usually the opposite? Straight, gay, or bisexual men or women, even transgenders and aromantics, tend to be one or the other. When they are, their fantasies may relate to playing the opposite role. For women, these kinds of fantasies often include being raped or in some way to be forced to have sex. For men, it may involve tying up on the part of their partner or other types of bondage, mild or more severe.
Inflicting or Receiving Pain
BDSM is another common fantasy of both women and men, whether straight or members of the LGBTQ+ community. While they may not experience such sexual activity in real life, these fantasies can be erotic and stimulate arousal and even orgasm. Many use these fantasies as they masturbate. It may be mild whipping, spanking, or biting all the way up to more severe forms of pain infliction. Some couples watch videos of such activities and reach high levels of arousal.
Sex in a Public Place
Public sex may seem rather ridiculous to some, but it is one of the most common sexual fantasies that people have. Imagine having sex in the restroom of a high-end restaurant or a darkened theatre. Or how about a park during an intimate picnic? All of this seems ridiculous, of course, because there are laws against such behaviors, and anyone caught will certainly be arrested. But you can't get arrested for your fantasies, so have at it! A sexual act in a public place can be hugely erotic for those, who, in their subconsciousness, like the idea of being exhibitionists and performing sex in front of other onlookers.
Sex With a Famous Person
One sex fantasy that is totally "safe" and that will never be acted upon is that with some famous person. No matter what our gender identity may be, and no matter what other sexual fantasies we may have, there is that one idol from the world of celebrities that we think would be amazing in bed. While researchers report that this is more common among women's fantasies, straight, gay, and bisexual men report having them as well. These fantasies are certainly harmless, but they do satisfy a need to be desired. And let's face it - it's just fun!
Sex With an Acquaintance
You may have met someone at work to whom you immediately felt an attraction. And you may even be in a stable, long-term partnership that is all that you have ever wanted. Still, you wonder what sex with that person might be like, and so you have that fantasy. Is it highly significant? Probably not. Is it a bit of fun seeing that person undressed and wanting you? Yes.
An Oral and/or Anal Sexual Act
Business Insider recently reported on a survey completed by the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Men and women in Canada were surveyed about their sexual fantasies. Both heterosexual and lesbian women responded that they had fantasies about oral sex and many about anal sex too. What's more, heterosexual men and their gay and bisexual men counterparts all reported having such fantasies, either with other women or men. And oral sex is one fantasy that you can make happen if you have a willing partner.
Watching Others Have Sex
It's called voyeurism, and it is a common sexual desire in plenty of people's minds. it can even involve multi-partner sex or sex between couples you know. If you want to do this outside of your daydreams, though, don't, unless you have their consent. Watch some porn or set up a threesome, then all of you will have the chance to watch!
Having Sex with a Stranger
If you've ever met someone at a club or party and hooked up for a single night, you've already lived it. But for those who haven't, these are common sexual fantasies. For some, the fantasy involves prostituting themselves - nice to see that $ comin' in - sort of like getting paid commissions for each sex act.
Bondage
In the BDSM category, mild forms of bondage - being handcuffed or tied to the bed - was one of the most common sexual fantasies reported by researchers. If this is a big turn-on for you, how about suggesting it to your partner and making that dream come true. According to some psychologists, there are also power dynamics at play here. Either you want the power or want to be overpowered. Just be sure you have decided on a safe word, in case things get a bit too rough.
Ejaculating on Your Sexmate
Obviously, this is a fantasy for someone with a penis, and, again, it is one of the most common sexual fantasies reported by men of all gender identities. But women have reported wanting this experience too, as receivers of course. Here is another fantasy that could transfer to a real situation if both of you are willing. And it can be a pretty erotic scene. for a man or a woman.
Sex with Somone Younger or Older
Both a woman and men tend to have these fantasies, either with same-sex or other gender partners. It might be an older man you were attracted to at a club or party or a much younger age chick or stud who you find totally sexy. It could even be a celebrity. If you move into the child porn area, though, it may be time to see a psychotherapist specializing in these types of issues.
Watching Two Women or Two Men Have Sex
Heteros tend to want to see two people of the opposite gender engaged in sex. For gays, lesbians, or bisexuals, though, it may be different. Lesbians and bi's, for example, might fantasize about two other women. And you can always enhance those fantasies with porn videos or a real live threesome.
Getting Masturbated by a Sex Partner
Among sexual fantasies, this is one that is most likely to come true, if you both agree to it. It's a simple act and one that is common among partners who have been together for a while and want to try something a bit different from their normal sex. And, for some added pleasure, toys can be used too. Equally erotic can be just watching a partner masturbate.
Watching Someone Undress
These fantasies usually involve someone with whom you will never have an actual hook-up or relationship. It could be a sexy bartender at a club, a stripper at a club, or a co-worker you find attractive. Heterosexual men fantasize and tend to report this quite often, but that doesn't leave anyone else out. As long as you are not a peeping Tom doing it for real and keep it only in your head, it's all good.
Is that All She Wrote?
Not in your life. Think about these things:
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We all have sexual fantasies, most of which we never intend to act out; some we do if we can find the right partner. But if you have them, color yourself normal. They can actually improve your sex life.
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Having a sexual fantasy does not mean that there is something wrong with your current relationship. But if those fantasies are interfering with your current relations, and you want that relationship to last, you may need to consider getting some professional help.
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Some fantasies are best kept to yourself, especially if revealing them would be hurtful to your partner. But if you and your partner have a solid union, then you should both be comfortable talking about them - it may open up doors to new activities that you both will enjoy.
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Why you have certain fantasies is not all that important unless they become obsessive. Most are just a reflection of your desire to be a bit looser and to explore uncharted waters. Even if they are always of the same content, so what? your mind has the freedom to go wherever it wants, just as long as you don't act out those that will get you into trouble.
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You very likely have sexual fantasies that are not on this list of the most common. They may be far more extreme scenarios with another woman or man. So what? You own your mind, and that mind should have absolute freedom of thought.